Grieving 2

Dreams can be very revealing.

In sleep, we process our lives.  So of course, in our sleep, we deal with death or loss as well.  But dreams about people gone from our lives can be strange when one wakes up.  I have had several dreams, where in my sleep, a person has been impacting or affecting my life.  Then I wake up, only to remember that this person can never physically enter my life again.

I can dream a person is hurting me and I am very frustrated or afraid.  Waking up from this dream, there is always a painful thought, “He is gone” when I remember reality.  That is slightly relieving but also very sad.  The sorrow comes from me obviously still needing to process my hurt and pain.  Even if the person that hurt me is dead, I am still alive and I was hurt.  And there was never an apology.

But sometimes, the dream is happy.  I am happy with this person in my dream, but upon waking, I remember I will never see this person again.  That is much sadder, because all the good memories and all the memories I wanted to create in the future are over.

But what is most painful about dreams is how reality and the dream are so different.  It feels like I was lying to myself in my sleep, whether I was still afraid, angry, or hopeful.  My beliefs and reality didn’t match up.

Grieving 1

Come to Terms With Your Grief

  1. Accept The Loss: It is natural to protect yourself from the full impact of the loss by holding on to the deceased’s belongings. Although it may take time, being able to release those possessions is a positive sign of acceptance and reorganization.

  2. Feel The Pain: Recognize and experience your emotions. Crying helps, since it allows painful feelings to be expressed.

  3. Talk About It: Talking about the loss and reminiscing helps you to accept the situation. Expressing regrets, fears, and anger is helpful. Do not take the attitude that “it doesn’t help to rake it up.”

  4. Take One Day At a Time: Do not try to sort out everything at once. Grieving takes as long as it takes – there are no fixed time limits and it cannot be hurried.

  5. Take Care Of Yourself: Get plenty of rest, eat well, take time to retreat, and time to talk. Try not to become isolated but seek out social support.

  6. Adapt To Change: This may mean taking on a new role, learning new skills, or learning how to live on your own.

  7. Let Go: When you are ready, let go. This does not mean forget.

©Powell,Trevor. 1997. Free Yourself From Harmful Stress. New York, NY:DK Publishing, Inc.

Grieving is a process about dealing with trauma and loss and recovering.  And apparently recovery takes time, effort, change, and new thinking.

Which is depressing because if there was a pill or shot for that, then we could be really inhumane and get over things instantly.  Although, it might turn out like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.  And that is frustrating and depressing.

So here’s to recovery.  Good luck everyone.  We apparently all need it.

Apparently your past follows you everywhere.

Two examples:

I can’t shake the Asian habit of bowing.  I politely bow to the elderly, sales people, and to greet the neighbors.  I am American, I should hold my head up high and never bow it to another.  Sigh, I bowed 5 times today that I noticed.  This reverse culture shock is harder than it looks.  Well, or apparently I just look very strange to my fellow Americans.

Another example is receiving mail for the deceased at a house the said deceased never resided at.  Yeah, marketing people are amazing at forwarding your spam mail, even if you have moved on in another sense.

So thus the title of this post and the feeling that your past is never far behind you.

The New “Arthur”

Arthur  is a movie about a rich spoiled man who never grew up.

Arthur was originally released in 1981.  The remake starring Russell Brand was released in 2011.  And the story is still the same.  A lost person who never had a reason to be responsible or serious finds he might need to grow up before he can get the girl.  Everyone around him wants him to grow up and quit playing around and drinking to excess.  Maybe an arranged marriage is the answer they think.  But personal growth is one’s own responsibility.  And Arthur himself has to find his own reason to “man up.”

The difference in these two films, besides more explicit celebrity player scenes (especially given the American audience is very aware of celebrity party lifestyles), a female nanny instead of the traditional valet, and an ambitious, driven business woman for his fiancée, is Arthur does have to choose to grow up.  On his own.  Without any promises that his new love will take care of him.  Between his wedding and the couple’s reconcile about 6 months go by.  And Arthur stops drinking!   Wow!

And that’s what I like about Arthur.  It is a story of choosing to change.  But when you change, it is something you have to choose for yourself.  And it is not something someone else can do for you.  And the new Arthur is very honest about that.

Little Things that Make You Smile

After listening to mainly Korean guys tell me how short girls are much cuter (aka, attractive>better), it was refreshing to hear a guy talk about being interested in tall women.  Now yes, he is very tall himself, and I generally only know short couples, tall couples, and a few very short women with very tall men.  But maybe height isn’t that important.  Just like all that other stuff that makes me cry because I can’t be perfect and match the popular opinion.  Although, why care about the consensus anyway?  I just need to be aware of each person’s opinion one at a time and maybe one day just one person’s opinion will matter.

Far Away by Ingrid Michaelson

I will live my life as a lobsterman’s wife on an island in the blue bay.
He will take care of me, he will smell like the sea,
And close to my heart he’ll always stay.

I will bear three girls all with strawberry curls, little Ella and
Nelly and Faye.
While I’m combing their hair, I will catch his warm stare
On our island in the blue bay.

Far away far away, I want to go far away.
To a new life on a new shore line.
Where the water is blue and the people are new.
To another island, in another life.

There’s a boy next to me and he never will be anything but a boy at the bar.
And I think he’s the tops, he’s where everything stops.
How I love to love him from afar.

When he walks right pass me then I finally see on this bar stool I can’t stay.
So I’m taking my frown to a far distant town
On an island in the blue bay.
Far away far away, I want to go far away.
To a new life on a new shore line.
Where the water is blue and the people are new.
To another island, in another life.

I want to go far away.
Away away, I want to go far away, away, away
I want to go far away, far away.

Where the water is blue and the people are new.
To another life, to another life.
To another shore line
In another life.

I want another adventure.  I want to leave the sadness of now for a bright, beautiful future on an island by a blue bay.