Grieving 3

Recently I have felt the need to buy a lot of “stuff”.

After a night on the town, I realize I don’t have a party dress.  Or any dresses really.  Or any shiny, expensive, grown-up style clothes.  So, obviously the solution is to go shopping for a new outfit … or an entire wardrobe.

I needed to get my Macbook serviced, so while at the Apple store, I thought, maybe I can update my iPod or get an iPad.  And maybe I do need the original ‘smart phone’ – an iPhone!  There are a lot of expensive things you can buy at an Apple Store.

If I feel a little blue, I definitely will be cheered up by shopping at a jewelry, cosmetic, or art store.  I love color and shapes and how those intersect.  Adorably cutesy-styled or princess-themed cosmetics are my favorite.  Yeah, who cares about the cleansers, lotions or miracle creams – I am a fan of the eye shadows, blushes, and nail polish.  Girly and colorful – I am sold.

Even if I can’t justify buying something I can’t or won’t use, I usually can find room for decadent food.  A scoop of gourmet ice cream, a chocolate dessert, yummy drinks I can’t normally have, a restaurant’s meal with friends – there is always a reason to splurge with delicious food.  And the same high as shopping comes along but is outweighed by the negative consequences when they come around – a dwindling banking account or the empty calories leading to lethargy and weight gain.

So, why shop and eat?  Because it makes me feel better.  But why the need to feel better?  Probably a latent, unmet need.  What need could that be?  Aha, finally, an answer – the need to be …  I don’t know.  Maybe connected to people, maybe purposeful and busy, maybe comforted and safe, maybe loved.  Probably loved.  Definitely I want to be loved.

Piles of stuff and gorging on food won’t fill up the need to be loved.  Distract, possibly-temporarily.  But fill-never.

Actually, what I miss is a hug I can melt into, someone to hold hands with while walking down the street, a warm body to sleep next to at night, a person to say goodnight to without separating, a smiling face everyday, short kisses, knowing another person’s daily schedule, having someone to talk to each day, a person to make plans with, a person to share a vacation with, and an exchange of intimacy and affection.

And no inanimate object, until I get a robotic wash bucket, will really be able to return my affection.