I wish I could be swallowed up by a black hole … I mean figuratively, not the literal experience which might involve a physics of horrible dimensions.
I cry a lot.
Then I eat or sleep or watch TV or read before I start to cry again.
Sometimes I just sit and stare, oscillating between debilitating pain and lethargic numbness.
I feel really alone. I can’t talk about my problems with anyone. No can do anything to help me. No one would really want to either.
People tell me to be responsible for my life.
But I feel like I did try my best, but it still ended up like this. My best effort wasn’t enough. My skills and attempts to cope with everything that’s happened aren’t good enough for survival.
I feel really tired. It’s too hard to make changes that need to happen. It’s hard enough just keeping my head above water. Which I am not doing at the moment.
Maybe drowning is a better analogy.
Maybe it isn’t.
Black hole or drowning … there is clearly disaster.