He really likes me. That’s what he said.
He said I was beautiful.
He said I was smart and interesting.
He said he wanted to get to know me better.
He said he wanted to see me again.
And I told him I wanted to live in Asia. And he told me he didn’t want to live in Asia.
So, that’s it.
Great listener, sweet, accommodating, chivalrous, interesting and passionate guy that I don’t want to see anymore. He was also tall.
But I have dreams to ride the subways and bullet trains, eat food from stalls and food carts, visit the beach, sing karaoke, walk the little alley ways, shop at the street fairs, visit the temples, drink fancy teas and lattes in the eclectic coffee shops, and feel the strangeness of a world apart from ordinary.
It’s like out a movie: drying clothes on the balcony or roof on a line, walking everywhere on paved roads and sidewalks, quietness on the mountainside, clean and clear taste of green tea, the furniture and design of the homes, seeing a rural house of wood in the old design, and a crane on the river.
I miss my adventure. I miss the excitement of the first six months in an utterly foreign environment that has the same blue sky.
So, do I want to give up the one goal I could accomplish? Do I let my dream die to not be alone?
Or am I willing to be alone now to not give up on my dream?
I used to want to be with someone no matter how I had to change. I believed in compromise and adjustments. But I was alone anyway. Romantic relationships didn’t last. The person I truly am was not loved. I wasn’t even considered seriously.
But now, I want to hold onto myself. I want to value my feelings, hopes, successes, failures, beliefs, and self-respect. Joan Didion wrote, “However long we post- pone it, we eventually lie down alone in that notoriously un-comfortable bed, the one we make ourselves. Whether or not we sleep in it depends, of course, on whether or not we respect ourselves.”
And so, in the end, we are all alone in ourselves. I have to sleep by myself at night.