I made a resolution to write daily and shop less.
So far, shopping less and not buying unnecessary things has been easier. Christmas was just 17 days ago. So I have more than enough everything and can’t afford to splurge on luxuries right now anyway. I still browse slickdeals.com, which is a bad sign. Buying stuff that was a good deal was a big part of 2017’s too much shopping. And it’s amazing how much a toddler step stool seems like a need if you have nothing else to buy.
But, certainly I do feel a shift away from shopping. It’s focusing on writing from my often painful interior world that is hardest. I’d much rather: SHOP, eat, read articles, watch TV, play videogames… really anything else. After a bad break up 4 years ago, I was miserable and needed to fix my life. So instead of that, I read the entire Harry Potter series almost obsessively. My therapist viewed it as self care. I viewed it as distraction and avoidance.
Maybe it could be argued that Harry Potter is a very satisfying, fulfilling fiction to read. I do love those books, even the Order of the Phoenix.
But I definitely see a pattern in my life of picking easy, mundane tasks over big, multi-step projects. Daily effort towards a goal despite setbacks that come as part of life could be named grit. I have no grit.
I’d rather do a simple task I don’t think is important than work on developing a meaningful career. Or learn a language. Or make art. Or learn and practice a new skill. I have an ukelele I never plan on learning how to play. I’d rather do a one-off like mail a friend a package, bake cookies, research something I will never do, go on an errand, than embark on a journey that depends on showing up each day.
Maybe I am afraid of not feeling like doing the work over and over. Or not making noticable progress even if I do try again and again. Maybe I won’t make a decision or commit to anything. Maybe I have a failure mindset and anxiety about failing makes trying impossible. Maybe I really don’t want to be successful, ambitious, or happy. Whatever it is, I have no grit.
And I would much rather shop for some item I could live without than write about not being disciplined enough to write everyday.