The Numbers Game – Gender Double Standard

Ask E. Jean: My Boyfriend Thinks I’m

If you can count the number of lovers you’ve had on one hand, and that number is too high for your man, E. Jean has some words of advice

April 10, 2012

Relationship Advice Expert E. Jean
Gregg Delman

Dear E. Jean:  My boyfriend’s ex-fiancée is an overbearing, success-starved lunatic who dresses like a grandma and listens to Celine Dion. She’s 31 and has slept with two men in her entire life, one of whom was my boyfriend. Recently he compared me with her and told me I was too sexually “easy.” And last night he went so far as to call me a slut and state that I “may not be the girl for him.”

This sent me into a fit of hysteria for the rest of the evening. I’ve never had a one-night stand in my life! I barely enjoyed a boob-grope till college. I’m 24, and I’ve dealt with my fair share of men—but don’t worry, I can still count the guys I’ve had sex with on one hand. His comparing me with her cut deeper than any of his absurd accusations and insults. Can I write this off to his being intoxicated? Or to his being 10 years older? I don’t want to lose him! He’s the best man I’ve ever known, and I don’t know what to do. —Easy A

Miss A, My Little Artichoke:  If you want to keep “the best man” you’ve “ever known,” be ready to don a pair of iron underpants with locks. His worldview is medieval. He may be blessed with a thousand fine virtues, but he’s also a narrow-minded, sexist half-wit—cruel, vindictive, and a fool who’ll probably forsake you in the end for a 20-year-old spinster wearing puffed sleeves and a skirt to her ankles. You can’t change the man’s thinking. I advise you to ruuuuunnnnnnnnnn like hell.

P.S. Never tell a fellow how many people you’ve slept with—ever. No matter what your sample size, it will sound extreme.

The Numbers Game – Gender Double Standard

There is still a double standard where women can’t complain about how many (or how?!) sexual partners a man has had.  And every woman who has had a past sexual partner is a slut … regardless of the fact that the said soliciting male is asking for premarital sex which is presumably what the males before asked, demanded, or took (rape).

All this serves to make open communication between sexual partners more impossible: with men lying about experiences with prostitution and women pretending to be virginal because their only other choice is a whore.  And make men who choose love and sex over a mere physical act to be less masculine or capable and women condemn themselves for their sexuality.

Well, fuck that!  I want real relationships between men and women – not just destructive role-playing.  So, what can we do?  See each person as an individual … worthy of love, not to be compared to another, and as a continuing discovery and revelation of themselves.  Everyone is unique and everyone can change.


Gender Double Standards: Anger

Damn You, Little Rock

Jimmy StewartRecently, some friends and I were talking about actors we like.

When Jimmy Stewart died 15 years ago, I remember a discussion of how he seemed to be such a good guy. He was Hollywood’s “nice guy.” Who would take his place? It seemed almost universally agreed Tom Hanks would be the new Mr. Nice Guy.

In many ways, I agree. Both have played characters with big hearts. But in so many of those characters, there is an undercurrent of anger. Deep down, they are consumed with rage. For example, George Bailey:

Young women, let me give you some advice. If a man shakes you by the shoulders and declares he does not want to get married, believe him. It’s only in a Frank Capra movie that relationship plays out to a happy ending. Do not hitch your wagon to someone who so deeply disappointed in the outcome of his…

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