I question my choices a lot. What to do now? About what I did in the past. I feel heaviness, failure. Other people post happy photos. Other people tell happy stories. I complain. I cry.
I sometimes regret becoming a mother. I know I am a bad mother or at least not as good as I’d like to be. No one compliments mothers, or at least no one compliments me.
I loathe my body. I gained 40 pounds plus 20 pounds of baby while pregnant. I am still obese 16 months later. I weigh 190 pounds. I got stretch marks in the last few weeks. I felt ruined-irreplaceable damaged. I look at my body now and I cry. I cover up and single moms of a small child don’t have many opportunities or reasons to undress.
So, I have regrets. I say, why couldn’t I have made different choices in 2014 or 2015? Because everyone loves their child, right? But is loving someone that will never be truly grateful actually enough. So, I am a horrible mother.
I miss talking to adults. I wish I could go on dates, or even just visit friends. But I had to move 2040 miles away from my pre-pregnancy life.
Sometimes I wonder if I should have given my son away in adoption. After all, I am a failure and a terrible mother. And also I’m lonely in this isolated life. I start to miss a guy that only dated me when I was thinner, when I weighed less-60 pounds less. A guy that stopped loving me in 2013. Before I made the poor choices that led me to being an awful single mother.
The worst part is I thought I wanted to be a mom. But in rare moments of silence and quiet, I question that belief. I wonder if I was right? I wonder if other mothers regret their transformed (destroyed) bodies. I wonder if other mothers regret their child because of difficulty accepting their new lifestyle. I wonder if my family will always only consist of two until I am completely alone again. Do I even have a right to regret?
Should I regret my choices? Is it even okay?