Today’s Disappointment

In today’s failure was in my taking a 4 hour nap this morning/afternoon.  I am so frustrated and mad with myself.  I needed to “show up” or “get ‘er done” or “man up”.  But I slept.  And ate cereal.  With peaches.

So now what?

What do I do with my frustrated, failure, shamed self.

Grace?

Forgiveness?

Teddy bear hug?

And will it be real for me or just an mental exercise.

Love Letter 27

After the battle, I won’t see you as my enemy.  Forgive me, love?  I wanted to be right.  I forgot we are on the same side.  I didn’t remember who you have been, who you are, and whom you promise to be.

I am sorry.  Please forgive me, my love?

Once I saw you in pain, my rage broke.  How could I have wielded a sword at you?  You, the princess of my youth. You, the comforter in my times of need.  You, the compassionate healer of my wounds.  You, my ally, my friend, my family, my lover.

I am so sorry.

Seeing you in pain, my position crumbles.  Seeing you cry, I am full of remorse, completely filled.  Seeing you after what I did, I can’t understand why I did it at all.

I am asking for your forgiveness, love.  Please, let’s repair our bond.  Please, let me listen to you and try to understand you instead of employing my defense.  Please, give me space and time with you, because I long to be in connection with you.

Let’s find our way into the same space again.  I promise not to hurt you this time.  I promise to come in vulnerable and humble, ready to see you as you are.  What I did was destructive and wrong, but can you forgive me?  I am truly sorry.

Grieving 2

Dreams can be very revealing.

In sleep, we process our lives.  So of course, in our sleep, we deal with death or loss as well.  But dreams about people gone from our lives can be strange when one wakes up.  I have had several dreams, where in my sleep, a person has been impacting or affecting my life.  Then I wake up, only to remember that this person can never physically enter my life again.

I can dream a person is hurting me and I am very frustrated or afraid.  Waking up from this dream, there is always a painful thought, “He is gone” when I remember reality.  That is slightly relieving but also very sad.  The sorrow comes from me obviously still needing to process my hurt and pain.  Even if the person that hurt me is dead, I am still alive and I was hurt.  And there was never an apology.

But sometimes, the dream is happy.  I am happy with this person in my dream, but upon waking, I remember I will never see this person again.  That is much sadder, because all the good memories and all the memories I wanted to create in the future are over.

But what is most painful about dreams is how reality and the dream are so different.  It feels like I was lying to myself in my sleep, whether I was still afraid, angry, or hopeful.  My beliefs and reality didn’t match up.