Really Stupid Feelings.

I might be an incurable idiot. The first guy I fell in love with awful. For almost a year after he married someone else, I still missed him. I was severely depressed, lost a lot weight (so I looked great), and still cried almost daily. I hardly could get out of bed and couldn’t work.  I was miserable and couldn’t control my feelings and thoughts at night when I tried to sleep.So, being an incurable idiot, I finally decided to start dating. It was something to do. I got out of the house, hung out with someone I knew was interested in me, and usually got a free meal so I didn’t need to buy groceries at all.  I had plenty of time because I had no friends nor a job.  Finally I met someone I felt comfortable with.  He wasn’t serious about me and as an incurable idiot, I thought it was a good idea to try to change his mind.  I barely considered that it might be a bad idea to chase a guy I barely knew. But with him, I forgot the first guy. With him, I was sometimes euphoric and sometimes miserable. I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else.  Within a year, we broke up. He was willing to be friends but I couldn’t accept that. After all, I couldn’t imagine dating anyone else. I was awful and he had to quit communicating with me entirely. Again, I was severely depressed. Again I lost weight. Again, I cried almost daily. The crying in which you lose your breath and periodically can’t make a sound.  And again for almost a year, I didn’t get over this feeling.  I dated for a while, eventually I didn’t think about him everyday or cry all the time. I spent time with friends and was cheerful again.  But periodically, depression would hit me all over again. I still missed him. I couldn’t help but compare other guys to him. It’s idiotic and unfair. I remember him selective, everyone is an unique person, and I can’t rely on my momentary feelings as a rational judge of an relationship. But I never felt as happy with anyone else. I try to accept that. It’s been four years. When we broke up, he said maybe we could get back together. A friend admitted she once said that to get a clingy, emotionally unstable boyfriend so he’d let go of the relationship at the time. She knew she never would want to date him again.  As an incurable idiot I still held out hope he’d come back or talk to me. Today, I miss him. At times, for months, I don’t even think about him. However, I’ve realized with big changes in my life, I miss him all over again. It hurts not to be able to talk with him. I wonder what his life has brought him. I still compare the happiness I felt just being next to him to all the guys I never feel that way about.  As an incurable idiot, I still, after all these years, want to be a couple again.  Even though we broke up for reasons that haven’t changed. And I was miserable at times. And no one around us thought we were a lasting match.  And he never felt the way I did about him. Or so I believed.  Rationally I know we will never talk or see each other again.  It is the reality and it is for the best. But today I miss him overwhelmingly and I am crying.  Again. And I wonder, “Will I ever stop having this horrible feeling about him”

Black Hole

I wish I could be swallowed up by a black hole … I mean figuratively, not the literal experience which might involve a physics of horrible dimensions.

I cry a lot.

Then I eat or sleep or watch TV or read before I start to cry again.

Sometimes I just sit and stare, oscillating between debilitating pain and lethargic numbness.

I feel really alone.  I can’t talk about my problems with anyone.  No can do anything to help me.  No one would really want to either.

People tell me to be responsible for my life.

But I feel like I did try my best, but it still ended up like this.  My best effort wasn’t enough.  My skills and attempts to cope with everything that’s happened aren’t good enough for survival.

I feel really tired.  It’s too hard to make changes that need to happen.  It’s hard enough just keeping my head above water.  Which I am not doing at the moment.

Maybe drowning is a better analogy.

Maybe it isn’t.

Black hole or drowning … there is clearly disaster.

Waves of Despair

My heart hurts.  I am grieving.  It feels like waves of sadness will never stop bashing me down.  It feels like I can’t breathe.  It feels like I am waiting to drown.

I feel waves of despair.

Sometimes I just want the pain to end.

Starting Now

“Starting Now”

I want to crawl back inside my mother’s womb
I want to shut out all the lights in this room
I want to start fresh, like a baby in a sink
Scrub away all these thoughts that i think of you

So life moves slowly when you’re waiting for it to boil
Feel like i watch from 6 feet under the soil
Still want to hold you and kiss behind your ears
But i re count the countless tears that i lost for you

But before you finally go there’s one thing you should know: That I promise –

Starting now I’ll never know your name
Starting now I’ll never feel the same
Starting now I wish you never came into my world.

I want to crawl back inside my bed of sin
I want to burn the sheets that smell like your skin
Instead I’ll wash them just like kitchen rags with stains
Spinning away every piece that remains of you.

But before you finally go there’s one thing you should know: That I promise –

Starting now I’ll never know your name
Starting now I’ll never feel the same
Starting now I wish you never came into my world.

It’s my world, it’s not ours anymore
It’s my world, it’s not ours anymore

Starting now I’ll never know your name
Starting now I’ll never feel the same
Starting now I wish you never came into my world. – Ingrid Michaelson

Grieving 4

Grief is loss.

Sometimes the sense of loss steals more than just joy and wholeness.

Sometimes it steals identity.

Grief over losing who you defined yourself as.  Grief over losing who you defined yourself with.

My friend R sent me this link.  R likes strange music, bicycles, and strong convictions.

The Division Of Gravity

The woman talks about strength.  Strength to value herself.

But there is still grief.