It’s perfectly …

It’s perfectly understandable, when reporting on a rape trial, to discuss the length and severity of the sentence; it is less understandable to discuss the end of two convicted rapists’ future athletic and academic careers as if it were somehow divorced from the laws of cause and effect. Their dreams and hopes were not crushed by an impersonal, inexorable legal system; Mays and Richmond raped a girl and have been sentenced accordingly. Had they not raped her, they would not be spending at least one year each in a juvenile detention facility.

It is unlikely that Candy Crowley and Poppy Harlow are committed rape apologists; more likely they simply wanted a showy, emotional angle at the close of a messy and sensationalized trial. Since the identity of the victim is protected, and the rapists obliged the camera crews by memorably breaking down and crying in court, they found an angle to match: extremely gifted young men were brought tragically low by… mumblemumblesomething.

That isn’t how rape trials ought to be discussed by professional journalists.

Trent Mays and Ma’lik Richmond are not the “stars” of the Steubenville rape trial. They aren’t the only characters in a drama playing out in eastern Ohio. And yet a CNN viewer learning about the Steubenville rape verdict is presented with dynamic, sympathetic, complicated male figures, and a nonentity of an anonymous victim, the “lasting effects” of whose graphic, public sexual assault are ignored. Small wonder, then, that anyone would find themselves on the side of these men—these poor young men, who were very good at taking tests and playing sports when they were not raping their classmates. –

The boys reactions are emotional, but then again, they made decisions that ruined their future … and ruined the victim’s future.  They hurt her.  They victimized her.  They raped her.  One boy took a photograph of her naked.  The ramifications and seriousness of their conduct was lost on them, until the court case and verdict.

The lasting effect of their being convicted of rape was justice.  Justice that leads them to live their lives differently.  And justice that hopefully creates repentance, grace, and allows them to experience through and give mercy to other people.  Other people like rapists, rape victims, and young people just thinking it is a ‘normal’ high school alcohol party.


The Numbers Game – Gender Double Standard

Ask E. Jean: My Boyfriend Thinks I’m

If you can count the number of lovers you’ve had on one hand, and that number is too high for your man, E. Jean has some words of advice

April 10, 2012

Relationship Advice Expert E. Jean
Gregg Delman

Dear E. Jean:  My boyfriend’s ex-fiancée is an overbearing, success-starved lunatic who dresses like a grandma and listens to Celine Dion. She’s 31 and has slept with two men in her entire life, one of whom was my boyfriend. Recently he compared me with her and told me I was too sexually “easy.” And last night he went so far as to call me a slut and state that I “may not be the girl for him.”

This sent me into a fit of hysteria for the rest of the evening. I’ve never had a one-night stand in my life! I barely enjoyed a boob-grope till college. I’m 24, and I’ve dealt with my fair share of men—but don’t worry, I can still count the guys I’ve had sex with on one hand. His comparing me with her cut deeper than any of his absurd accusations and insults. Can I write this off to his being intoxicated? Or to his being 10 years older? I don’t want to lose him! He’s the best man I’ve ever known, and I don’t know what to do. —Easy A

Miss A, My Little Artichoke:  If you want to keep “the best man” you’ve “ever known,” be ready to don a pair of iron underpants with locks. His worldview is medieval. He may be blessed with a thousand fine virtues, but he’s also a narrow-minded, sexist half-wit—cruel, vindictive, and a fool who’ll probably forsake you in the end for a 20-year-old spinster wearing puffed sleeves and a skirt to her ankles. You can’t change the man’s thinking. I advise you to ruuuuunnnnnnnnnn like hell.

P.S. Never tell a fellow how many people you’ve slept with—ever. No matter what your sample size, it will sound extreme.

The Numbers Game – Gender Double Standard

There is still a double standard where women can’t complain about how many (or how?!) sexual partners a man has had.  And every woman who has had a past sexual partner is a slut … regardless of the fact that the said soliciting male is asking for premarital sex which is presumably what the males before asked, demanded, or took (rape).

All this serves to make open communication between sexual partners more impossible: with men lying about experiences with prostitution and women pretending to be virginal because their only other choice is a whore.  And make men who choose love and sex over a mere physical act to be less masculine or capable and women condemn themselves for their sexuality.

Well, fuck that!  I want real relationships between men and women – not just destructive role-playing.  So, what can we do?  See each person as an individual … worthy of love, not to be compared to another, and as a continuing discovery and revelation of themselves.  Everyone is unique and everyone can change.

‘Pornland’: How Porn Has Hijacked Our Sexuality – a review by Kate Dailey

‘Pornland’: How Porn Has Hijacked Our Sexuality – a review by Kate Dailey

“Porn message boards. Much of the book’s arguments are bolstered by the anonymous comments of men on sites … The comments are so filled with bile and misogyny that it’s almost impossible to find one suitable for reprint, but they make great fodder for Dines’s point: that modern porn culture both desensitizes users to women while also making porn seem like a an acceptable option for girls.” – Kate Dailey


That’s a Deal-Breaker~!

So, what have I been doing instead of blogging?


Yes, that is right, throwing myself at the menfolk.

I’ve started online dating, gave my number to a stranger and went on a few dates.

Which has gotten me to thinking about what my standards are, in the spirit of Liz Lemon:


Watch Liz Lemon give relationship advice on The Vontella Show in the episode, “Kidney Now!”

So, my own personal deal-breakers from the past week:

Being in an open-relationship – Deal-Breaker!

Canceling a date only 20 minutes before  – Deal-Breaker!

Being shorter than me in kitty heels  – Deal-Breaker!

Choosing to see a movie on a first date  – Deal-Breaker!

Using poor English as an excuse to not talking  – Deal-Breaker!

Groping  – Deal-Breaker!

Suggesting getting dinner and then not getting dinner  – Deal-Breaker!

Suggesting having sex on a first date (OMG, seriously?)  – Deal-Breaker!

40 minutes late for a date (okay, that was me) – Deal-Breaker!

Not singing at karaoke  – Deal-Breaker! (Okay, he suggested it was a deal-breaker, I just think it means more songs for me.)

Looking like a horrible ex – Deal-Breaker!

And …

Not taking the initiative  – Deal-Breaker!


The Word for World is Forest: Ursula K. Le Guin

Le Guin’s amazing sci-fi masterpiece, The Word for World is Forest, explores what it means to be human.

In a future where humans have met outer space humanoids or beings of intelligence, culture, community, and language.  In other words, beings that are more like us than we are like animals or plants.

The novel explores community, military, hierarchy, power, slavery, war, murder, gender, identity, transcendence, dreams, and culture change.

Le Guin introduces us to a world named New Tahiti that humans are colonizing … and where the local humanoid race isn’t accepted as fully human.  Culture differences make negotiation and discussion difficult for the radically dissimilar peoples.  Humans enslave the rather submissive people of Athshe, mistaking their docility for ignorance and simplistic thinking.

The goal of humans on New Tahiti is to set up a imperialistic colony that will become a permanent human settlement and provide resources, the most common being lumber, back to Earth.

The story is told in several chapters with each chapter being narrated by one of three characters, a human military commander named Captain Davidson, a researcher of the native inhabitants employed by the military named Raj Lyubov, and a recently widowed, native Athshean named Selver who becomes a god to his people.

Le Guin’s book has many similarities to James Cameron’s famous movie, Avatar.  In both Avatar and The Word for World is Forest humans are taking resources from a planet and thereby destroying the native people’s habitat, scientists and military officers have conflicting agendas, important neurological or mind connections between beings, and the costs of war.

However, my opinion is that The Word for World is Forest is more sophisticated, realistic, and demanding for it’s readers.  It is a book that questions what being an outsider and different really means, whether we are talking about men and women, Caucasians and Asians, or humans and humanoid aliens.

The Word for World is Forest: Ursula K. Le Guin: 9780765324641: Books.


Gender Double Standards: Anger

Damn You, Little Rock

Jimmy StewartRecently, some friends and I were talking about actors we like.

When Jimmy Stewart died 15 years ago, I remember a discussion of how he seemed to be such a good guy. He was Hollywood’s “nice guy.” Who would take his place? It seemed almost universally agreed Tom Hanks would be the new Mr. Nice Guy.

In many ways, I agree. Both have played characters with big hearts. But in so many of those characters, there is an undercurrent of anger. Deep down, they are consumed with rage. For example, George Bailey:

Young women, let me give you some advice. If a man shakes you by the shoulders and declares he does not want to get married, believe him. It’s only in a Frank Capra movie that relationship plays out to a happy ending. Do not hitch your wagon to someone who so deeply disappointed in the outcome of his…

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When Asian Dudes Talk At Me

Asian guys always say the same things: “Do you have a boyfriend?”
“You must be lonely being by yourself.”
I am thinking, ‘Asian men typically don’t view women as completely human. Should I really be listening to your jabber when a dog will make a better companion?’


Daily Life in Korea 41

There are lots of college-educated, English-speaking foreigners in South Korea.

But there are lots of working class foreigners who need to use Korean with their bosses (read evil overlords).

Those were the kinds of foreigners that were drinking beers outside and hollering to me in Korean.  You know, saying hi to a pretty white woman because regardless of why she is here, she must be easy.

Later, walking back through the same shady neighborhood I live in, a Korean man also spoke to me on the streets.  He said hello.  He might have been drunk.

But I think the difference is interesting that other foreigners hitting on me out on the street might use Korean, expecting me to know it like they do, while Koreans will use English or ask “Russian?” to approach me.

Sigh, but they all think my purpose in life is to sexually serve them.  Asian men can be really gross sometimes.  Like when they greet you on the streets and freely look you over.