I wonder how long I am going to pine for someone who didn’t really exist except in my imagination. How long am I going to miss a person that doesn’t miss me?
It seems like every milestone brings up this grief and sense of loss. I took my child to school for the first time. It went well and there’s no reason to be sad.
Except I am missing someone now. But not a biological relative who has passed on or lives somewhere we can’t easily reach. Instead I miss someone who would rather imagine my life than keep in touch to learn the reality.
Of course, it’s my own fault this person isn’t in my life. It’s my own fault my heart aches so terribly right now. That is what happens when people date people who not that into them. The people who don’t care are fine and don’t even have to “move on” so much as just quit. Even forgetting is easy for them.
I don’t even have a perfectly sound explanation for why I care so much. I do know this person is more comforting to me than my parents or anyone else I dated. I felt safe then in a deep sense when he held me in a period were little felt alright. Perhaps he was the person I was most attached to in my life. Probably because I met him at an incredibly wounded and vulnerable time in my life and he didn’t regularly criticize me in a judgemental tone as I proceeded to fail at life.
But he didn’t “get” me either. He didn’t adore me or even prefer me to other pretty women. He just put up with me because of his own insecurities after his compassion got him in over his head.
I don’t know even how there could be a mutually positive conversation between us now or in the future. Unless I lie and keep to myself that I miss him and wanted to talk with him. Certainly impossible if I show any jealousy.
There’s a void and when I miss him, it represents that void. He somewhat filled up that void, but it wasn’t quite enough and it didn’t last. Even when I was with him, I felt desperate and depressed daily. I wanted someone who knew me to deeply love me. He barely knew me and he didn’t care much for me the better acquainted we became. He couldn’t give me a steady kind of love but apparently he came the closest experiences I have ever had.
It’s oddly painful to feel grief where before I met him there would have only been dull emptiness.
Perhaps missing him shows a really ugly side of me.
My students told me they thought I could be 42 or 7 years old. Other guesses included 21, 25, and 29.
They also told me about their favorite handsome Korean celebrities. And that they watch 19+ videos even though they are elementary students and 6th graders. And Lady Gaga videos-which are disturbing ordinarily but especially strange to a country where 18-25 year old women still wear pastels and talk like babies, and the group you belong to defines you more than personal characteristics. You never have to figure out who ‘you’ are in Asia.
All in all, glad it is another Friday and I can escape the crazy on the weekend.
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You know it’s spring because every classroom has a wasp. Yes, even the 4th floor windows open sideways and have no screens. So things can just fly right in or out. All the students would point out the wasp or as they like to call it, the “bee” and both would be promptly ignored by the Korean teachers. And no one got stung (yet), so I am sure it’s all fine. After all, this isn’t America where people have allergies to bee stings and take that very seriously.
Also, my co-teacher seemed to give the 3rd graders a coloring lesson, I think. She drew a balloon on the white board and drew lines on it. Coloring properly is essential for an English education.
One of my students told the class her birthday was August 23rd. Yeah, I think I might hate her. She wears glasses and has straight black hair and is Korean too.
One student said his birthday was September 24th. There was some minor misunderstanding about that being Christmas eve. It isn’t, in case you wondered.
Also, books are expensive to mail internationally because they are heavy.
And pizza makes me feel sick. After eating … which might make me feel sick at the smell of pizza in the future. Could be a hard life ahead of me.
But I like shopping at the open market in Nambu. Except when the snack sales lady gives me extra snacks in my bag and I don’t like them. It doesn’t feel awesome getting something free if it is something you don’t want. But I can feed those snacks to my students, they will eat anything.
Have you ever seen all those hagwon buses? Or university buses?
Ever wondered why there are so many huge buses and mini-vans for businesses and schools in South Korea?
Because they pick up their students and drop them off. Your taekwondo instructor is also your driver.
Yep, it is a country geared towards public and hired transportation.
If you get drunk, you can also pay for a designated driver to drive you and your car home.
Completely true. Also, taxis are cheap.
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Sports’ Day at my Korean school in 2010!
The Principal had some teachers today go outside and move sand and dirt to even out the field and then remove rocks and trash from it.