Sleepless

No, I don’t need sleep.  I have things to do.  I need to get a head-start on the day since last night.

This won’t impair my driving.

Yes, I hesitated a second while spelling impaired.

Hey wait, who is that Korean man singing … ?

Awww, hell to the no!

Zee Avi

I love Zee Avi.  She is beautiful and Malay and unique.  She sings in my language and sings beautifully.

And she writes hauntingly forlorn music.  And tragically cheerful music.  And cheerfully tragic music.  And cheerful, goodbye music.  And upbeat, dreamy music.  And melancholically hopeful music.

You can watch a practice session below:


Watch her amazing song "Bitter Heart"

Teens React to PSY’s Gangnam Style

PSY is a Korean-pop singer.  He has a new song called, "Gangnam Style."  Gangnam is the richest area of Seoul.  There is a horse dance involved in the parody music video.  The Fine Bros. Productions introduces some unsuspecting American teens to this viral video.

However, as demonstrated by this article, it isn’t simply a funny video to win over the hearts of the white American kids.  Although, it certainly is much more of a modern American parody style than a classic K-pop style.

Divorce Advice from Elizabeth Shaw on iVillage

divorce is a thousand little goodbyes

You’ll get through all the big stuff — telling the kids, someone moving out, taking off your rings, packing away the wedding pictures, signing the papers (each their own kind of hell) — and think, “Okay, it’s finally over.” But then you miss the first family event with your former in-laws or your child spends his first holiday without you. You’ll have to catch your breath all over again. When you marry someone, you can’t help but imagine decades of events and moments that you’ll share together and as a family. So it’s only natural that you’ll mourn them when they’re gone. Give yourself a little space to take it in and then let it go. You’re already creating new memories and new traditions — and this new branch of your family history will be just as rich and full as you’d hoped.

you’ll wonder how and why you stayed so long

Once you have a little distance, you’ll be able to look back at your relationship and see it for what it was. You’ll be shocked at what you accepted as “just part of being married.” But here’s thing: Marriages fall apart slowly. You accept one small thing and then another and then another. You keep trying and hoping things will get better until the moment arrives when you know it won’t. And only then can you make a change.

 

Cloudy

I am experiencing my first day of bad weather in California today after coming here mid-May.  It is cloudy today.

I find this to be unacceptable weather.

Bossypants

“Gay people don’t actually try to convert people. That’s Jehovah’s Witnesses you’re thinking of.” – Tina Fey

Ocean Front Tattoos

I went here today.  Two new piercings.

Celebrating with You?

I don’t want to celebrate with you.  I don’t want to laugh and smile for you while my heart is deeply torn.

While you enjoy happiness and cheer, I cry.  And cry and cry and cry and cry and cry.  Then I cry some more.  I will cry until I can’t breathe.  My chest will hurt.  I will gasp for air.  I won’t be able to speak at all.  My throat will burn.  My face will grow hot.  I won’t have any more tears but I will still gasp for air while crying.  I will cry until I can’t manage anything more than stillness.  Still, my heart will be broken.  Everything will look dark.  I will still be in tremendous pain.  And I will lie in that stillness and pain, unable to change anything.

So, I don’t want to celebrate the weddings of people too young to have had a broken heart (although I console myself knowing their parents will die … or their friends will die … or their spouse will die … or their children will die – someday, their heart will be wounded at least a little).  I really would rather not see newborns held by their tired, but elated parents – parents seeing the world as newness through the experiences of their infant’s daily growth.

I don’t want to celebrate your birthdays or your successes or your fun times.  Because I have a broken heart.  Partnering with you in your joy is too hard while I live alone in my misery.  Misery that only grows with each passing month.  Misery that doesn’t dissipate with tears.  Misery coming from a broken heart that may never heal.  Misery from pain and loneliness so potent it knocks my breath and reason away.

I have a broken heart.  I might die from my broken heart.  Maybe tomorrow.  Maybe next month.  Maybe five or ten years from now.  Since the hole only seems to be growing, healing is impossible.  Medicine doesn’t seem to help.  Time hasn’t started to work.  Sympathy seems feigned and spiteful.  Advice and direction are condescending.  And presence and love are very rare, but so painful when they appear.

So, I won’t celebrate with you.  Seeing you is painful, dressed up in your joy.

And clearly you can’t see me, in my overwhelming sorrow.  Otherwise, wouldn’t you react differently?

Isn’t what people say during times like these, “Goodbye”?

Milk + Honey

August is hot.  Miserably hot in an apartment without air-conditioning.

So, my roommate and friend introduced me to a local and delicious cafe: Milk + Honey

It’s yummy.  And hip.  They serve tart frozen yogurt and shaved ice!  Yes, with milk and honey.

My friend had a Chai Deluxe shaved ice with frozen yogurt in the center.

I got a mango shaved ice with mango, red adzuki beans, and chocolate chips on top (because they were out of Reese’s cups).

It was delicious.

Read this and that for yourself.

Then go get yourself some yummy froyo and shaved ice!